Setting Boundaries
– Does he always collect his toys himself?
+ Sometimes he collects it himself.
– Does he always eat ice cream before eating?
+ We give it when you cry a lot.
– Are requests always made when she cries?
+ Let’s do what we do, we work too much, we see little; we do what we want when we can’t stand her crying.
-If the cloth has been left, it’s not right to re-tie it, let’s give our student some time.
+Teacher, there is no seat, carpet anywhere left; we tied it up today…
Here is the common problem of parents in the preschool period, the ‘inability to set boundaries’.
The age we live in produces control mechanisms for each of us outside of our authority. And we can’t control the boundaries of our own lives to the extent we want to. And when it comes to children and their boundaries, we find it even harder. Some of us keep their boundaries very permeable and flexible so that our children do not experience the troubles we experience, some of us draw boundaries with finger-bleeding sharpness with the idea of ‘life is difficult, one should grow up with discipline’. Unfortunately, both of these attitudes are not good for children. But the worst thing is that we react differently to the same situations experienced at different times. So Dec Tue between these two extremes and not being able to determine the right point at all.
What is the limit?
The point where something ends is the limit.
‘It’s where Ben can’t interfere in someone else’s space –even if it’s our child.
‘It’s too small.’, ‘But he’s a part of me.Don’t say ’, ‘He can’t even talk yet…’. We have children and they are constantly changing and developing. In order to keep up with this development, we must also open ourselves to change.
It is never easy to set boundaries in a parent-child relationship. Especially the bodies of the mother and the baby are one at the beginning. From the first moment it begins to develop in the womb, all the needs of the baby are met by the mother. With the birth, the father also becomes a partner in the responsibility of meeting the baby’s needs directly, and for a very long time, his parents do everything for the baby. This often causes parents to be unable to correctly determine where the child’s boundary begins and ends. Confusion basically occurs at two points, ‘How much of our requests should we make?’, ‘How much of your wishes should we do?’. We take a deep breath and realize a fact: children make their own choices, but their boundaries are set by parents.
Children are very clear about their wishes, tastes: she wants to come to school in her swimsuit in December, and she is clear about this. Because their brain development, and therefore their psychological development, is incomplete, they cannot always choose what is good for themselves. However, parents have the physiological and psychological competence to create the right framework for their children. It is important for children to make choices within the framework drawn by the parent, both in terms of the child noticing the boundaries and in terms of giving them the feeling of ‘I am the boss’ by allowing children to make decisions, so to speak.
They may be very determined to hang from the balcony and catch that bird, or they may have decided to eat only pasta all their lives… The examples can be increased, and the question marks in the parents’ minds can change for each example: ‘Is the subject vital or not?’, ‘Is this request within the limits or not?’, ‘Is my child aware of his limits?’, ‘ Are my lines clear enough?’, ‘Is it really so necessary for him not to stretch my boundaries?’’…
Why are boundaries important for children?
Borders eliminate uncertainty. IT CREATES AN ATMOSPHERE OF TRUST..
In children’s perception, the limit is both the walls to be pierced and the needs that make them feel safe.
Children want to discover their potential; how high can they climb, how far can they jump without stopping, how fast can they run? Children also want to explore boundaries; how long can she resist not finishing that meal, how long can she keep it up when she throws herself on the floor because a new toy has not been bought, how long can she cry to put on that outfit? Does this behavior allow him to achieve the desired result? They always learn these things by trying.
Every point that requires him to stop is erected in front of him as a wall that he will overcome and pushes the boundaries, but on the other hand, he knows that the boundaries will keep him safe and he needs them. Parents always try the father, ‘stop‘, ‘do’, ‘calm’ from their mouth makes the child feel good.
Imagine that unplanned road works have started in your neighborhood where you have been living for years. When you leave with your car, you are sure how many minutes you will arrive at the destination, but the streets that open and close to traffic mislead you every time you travel. How would you feel? I suggest that you understand this feeling well. Because children also feel this way in the face of constantly changing boundaries. For this reason, clear and self-defined boundaries make the child’s life easier.
So, when the family elders come home…
The clarity of parents allows children to internalize their own boundaries. To the grandfather who said to sleep a little late tonight, ‘But it’s my bedtime, I have to sleep.’your saying baby shouldn’t surprise you.If you are clear, of course.
How should the approach be?
Sometimes children push too hard… Did he pass the food? So the story that followed took from the time of the hour. One story should be read instead of two stories.However, it should definitely be reported to the child at this meal time. A situation that should not be done means that there is no pool tomorrow for extended lunch time. Because it prevents the child from establishing a cause-and-effect connection, and the child cannot understand the situation, so he encodes it as a punishment. The method that the child will encounter with the result immediately should be preferred.
We can easily summarize the correct approach in the form of few and self-limits, clear, calm, consistent behavior. The fact that parents speak a common language and act according to the same rules is an attitude that should never change. The limits should be determined by the family at the age of four and beyond, and should apply to the whole family.
Mod College PDR Unit
